Terrifying and tedious takes from the crypt of the soulless student body
Ghost bus drivers, vagina exorcisms, and costume delays are just a sneak peek into the horrors UTM has to offer this Halloween.

There’s nothing quite like fall at the University of Toronto Mississauga (UTM). The smell of the crisp colourful leaves, the sound of feral geese, the cries from ghosts of students who were murdered on campus decades before, and the familiar looming dread of having nothing to do on Halloween except a midterm. To prepare for the upcoming spooky season, we asked some students to share some of their most terrifying Halloween experiences.

“One time, I caught the bus from St. George at like 11:30 p.m. after studying at the library there,” shared Samantha Hyde, a U of T St. George commuter. “I must’ve been dead tired because I was practically falling asleep at the bus stop. As the bus pulled up, I could’ve sworn it was a ghost driving. But when I got on, I realized the driver was just super old. I was still scared; you know how old people drive.”

“I went to Halloween Haunt with this girl when I was in grade 10,” said Jason Mayer, a second-year computer science major. “It was great, one time she got spooked and jumped into my arms and I got to feel her boob for like three seconds. But then she ghosted me like a week later. That was the scariest thing ever, letting myself be vulnerable with someone. She really messed me up.”

“Oh, you wanna talk about something terrifying?” Lucy Bateman, a fourth-year religion major, said to The Medium. “Picture this, Halloween 2019. The revealing baby Yoda costume I bought from Shien in the middle of September takes several weeks to ship. It arrived in Mississauga on October 26, only to spend the next week and a half inside of the most terrifying place on earth, the Mississauga Canada Post warehouse. The place where all dreams go to die.”

Bateman continues, “It finally arrived on Remembrance Day, possibly the un-sexiest day of the year, aside from Good Friday, but even Jesus had rock-hard abs on the cross before he died! Anyways, do you know how hard it is to find a way to repurpose a slutty baby-Yoda outfit? My mom was not happy to see it at Christmas.” We here at The Medium encourage readers to help the planet and the economy and to shop locally for their slutty Halloween costumes. 

Spooky stories aside, UTM has started a whole calendar of spooky sessions for the student body.

Is your ex haunting your social media, your text messages, your body, your spirit, and even your soul? UTM Sexual Education Centre is here for you this spooky season, as they will be offering vagina exorcisms in the Student Centre. Rid yourself of all your demons! Note: Vagina exorcisms will not cure STIs, bacterial infections, pregnancies, regret, rope burn, or pH imbalances. Dick crucifixions will be available the following week.

The UTM Cinema Society for Scary Stories is proud to film some more experimental frightening films, aimed at truly hitting the fears of the modern UTM student.

The film fest starts off with the highly anticipated flick, The Lecture You Never Watched (2021). This flick has sent shivers down the spines of audiences and critics alike, as they experience the pure shock and horror from the surprise pop quiz they’re given before they can leave the theatre. The movie is sure to spike your fears and make your GPA plummet.

The Zoom Lecture Where You Were Unmuted and Accidentally Let Out a Fart and Everyone Laughed (2020) will be playing every day at noon until November 3. This rousing comedy banks the laugh at your expense, as there is no greater fear than making a simple human mistake.

The true highlight of the frightening film fest is Your Ex’s Instagram Story (2021). Shriek in horror as he looks happy without you. Shield your eyes from his new pretty girlfriend. The true twist comes right at the end, when it’s revealed it was watched only 30 seconds after posting, leaving the audience with the frightening realization they were the first viewers. All films will be screened in CC1080 before being available to illegally download off the internet.

So, whether you have Halloween plans or you’re dead inside (and out), there’s sure to be plenty of frights ahead. Whether it’s someone who ghosted you coming back for their yearly haunt, or a terrifying concept in class that keeps you up at night, be sure to enjoy a crisp breath of fall air before you blink and it’s winter, truly Canada’s most terrifying time of year. 

Satirist (Volume 48)  —
Erin Delaney graduated in 2021, majoring in Communication and minoring in Professional Writing and Visual Culture. She first began writing for The Medium in 2019 and became the Editor of the short lived but much-loved Satire section for the Winter 2020 semester. She has also written for the 2021 edition of Mindwaves. When Erin isn’t thinking of jokes, she’s usually playing with her dog, contemplating the end of the world, or thinking about how she should write more. You can connect with her at ecdelaney98@gmail.com.

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