Like a new-born baby, the will of a person in the new year is fragile, weak, and unable to survive on its own. If a person is not motivated or inspired, they may wither away and die during the deep winter cold. Enter the time-honoured tradition of a New Year’s Resolution. Students are known to centre their resolutions around their academics, their love lives, or around more meagre personal goals. We here at The Medium spoke to several students to see exactly what their definition of self-improvement is.
Some students had timely resolutions, inspired by the year that just passed. One friend group in particular was in sync with their goals.
“My goal is to be Shawn Mendes’ new girlfriend,” said Hailey, a second-year Psychology major.
“My goal is to be Shawn Mendes’ new boyfriend,” said Anthony, a fellow second-year Psychology major.
“Honestly, I’ll be whoever Shawn Mendes wants me to be,” chimed yet another Psychology major.
Others had trouble with the immense pressure of New Year’s Day, like Jack McGuire, a third-year Philosophy major.
“My birthday is January first, so each year I only get one chance to start off on the right foot,” said McGuire. “Honestly, I hardly do because I’m always hungover on my birthday, can you blame me? The feeling of the whole world counting down to your birthday, it’s intoxicating. The countdown is usually the last thing I remember. I always try to do as many shots as the age I’m turning. Yeah, so what if I’ve gone to the hospital on my birthday a couple of times? You try not getting shit faced. I’m usually not in the best shape to start going to the gym or whatever on January first. In fact, I’m usually sad on my birthday. No one wants to celebrate two nights in a row.”
Some students struggle with more traditional habits, like Dalainey Gervais, an Associate Features Editor for The Medium. “I have kept the same resolution for ten years now,” said Gervais. “It’s been to keep my room clean. Honestly, I still haven’t succeeded past January. But not this year. My goal is to make it to February.”
Others are having success starting with smaller goals before eventually taking on the big challenges. “My goal is to write more. It’s been really challenging, I’ve had writer’s block basically all year,” said Karen Mulaney, an unemployed University of Toronto Mississauga alumna. “But I’m starting small. Sentences are too intimidating right now, so are most words. So far, I’ve just been writing random letters. It’s very freeing, not being bound by meaning. Who says a Q and a V can’t sit side by side? Maybe a B and a T have always wanted to be together? Here, let me read you my first entry. Q H V J S A S I A M A N A E D A E W Q D O O P A D A D F K E A U D C Z. Amazing, isn’t it? Although I think I’m relying too much on vowels.”
“My new year’s resolution is to read more,” said fourth-year Communication, Culture, Information, and Technology student Gordon Kraus. “The problem is I don’t like novels very much because I find them boring. Science fiction is too wacky, and fantasy is too silly. Romance novels make me think of my own inability to be loved, and I scream too much reading horror. I can’t say that non-fiction thrills me that much either. I find modern memoirs to be padded with filler and narcissism. Philosophy makes my brain hurt. I already put off my normal class readings so I can’t read anything academic. So, I decided that I’m just going to read cookbooks. I’m halfway through Microwave Cooking for One, and let me tell you, this is some gripping stuff. I’m using it every day. After this I’m gonna read The Astronauts Cookbook in case I ever get sent to space.”
We here at The Medium wish everyone a healthy, happy, and hopeful New Year. Lord knows we need it.
Satirist (Volume 48) —
Erin Delaney graduated in 2021, majoring in Communication and minoring in Professional Writing and Visual Culture. She first began writing for The Medium in 2019 and became the Editor of the short lived but much-loved Satire section for the Winter 2020 semester. She has also written for the 2021 edition of Mindwaves. When Erin isn’t thinking of jokes, she’s usually playing with her dog, contemplating the end of the world, or thinking about how she should write more. You can connect with her at email@example.com.