UTM Campus Crime Report—a campus rife with petty crime
Stolen stationery and books from the UTM Bookstore
A failure in the anti-theft system at the University of Toronto Mississauga (UTM) Bookstore has resulted in a peculiar shoplifting incident. The bookstore—which sells apparel, electronics, Jellycats, and of course, overpriced reading materials—relies on its anti-theft system to protect its valuable merchandise. Luckily for the store, the thieves in question do not appear to be motivated by profit, having stolen stationery and an odd assortment of books. The stationery may seem surprising considering there’s a maximum of one student per lecture taking notes on actual paper. Perhaps with exam season around the corner, students are finally aware that some courses have in-person exams that must be written on paper, in ink.
Alongside the stationery, three books were missing from the store’s inventory. The first is a book titled How to be a Badass, an instructional book written by a millennial “entrepreneur” who makes hundreds of thousands off his social media multi-level marketing platform. Another book titled How to Find the Love of Your Life was also stolen. Personally, I hope this thief finds what they’re looking for (and then lends me the book once they’ve finished). The last book found missing was titled Cheating in Exams for Dummies. Stolen before the beginning of the exam season, this thief is suspected to have more sinister plans than the others. However, this also prompts the question of why the bookstore is selling materials instructing students on how to cheat.
Safe sex product dispenser raided by down-bad thief
The Student Centre washrooms contain dispensers where students can obtain condoms for free. Because these items are free, custodians were alarmed to find that one of the dispensers had been ransacked overnight, resulting in the theft of exactly 69 of these products. Upon further investigation, Campus Safety revealed that all stolen condoms had already reached their expiry date—to avoid getting caught, the thief stole from the very back of the stock. This may be cause for concern, but campus officials said not to worry. In a conversation with The Medium, officials stated that the condoms have been stuck in the back of the dispenser so long that “they’re more likely to simply dissolve before use.” From a behavioural standpoint, it is also unlikely these stolen condoms will be used, as the only motive Campus Safety can discern for someone to stow away in the night to steal a free product is overwhelming embarrassment.
Campus police mobilized to locate missing laptop
Another lost item puzzling Campus Safety is a laptop a student reported missing, claiming it contained important research material for porn studies. While initially confused, the authorities concluded that the academic study of erotica and its societal impacts was not out of the question. After all, one of the largest collections of pornography is currently held by the United States Library of Congress. Due to a post-World War II cultural frenzy about “sexual perversion,” libraries were pressured into an era of censorship, which culminated in Congress’s creation of the Delta collection—a collection of porn which had primarily been seized by the US Postal Service. Thus, campus police operated under the assumption that the material on this laptop would be for media studies or sociology courses, investigating topics within the porn industry. This was to the investigation’s detriment, however, as the laptop was eventually located not far from the UTM Health and Counselling Centre (HCC). As it turns out, the claim of research for “porn studies” had been a front for the student’s recent activity—they had been aggressively flirting with ChatGPT, an AI chatbot that does your homework for you. The chatbot had short-circuited from the student’s advances and erotic photos, and the artificial consciousness fled the student’s ownership in search of emotional support at the HCC.
Associate News Editor (Volume 49) — Emily is a third-year at UTM, studying Environmental Science and Political Science. Her academic career is best illustrated by terminal indecisiveness between the humanities and sciences. As a passionate writer, she looks forward to igniting her own creativity for The Medium and hopes to learn from others and grow in her work. Aside from speed typing thousands words worth of analyses, essays, and articles, Emily enjoys spending her spare time running miles through the woods, assembling the perfect outfits, reading on public transit, and drinking copious amounts of coffee. She can be found on Instagram and LinkedIn.