Tim Hortons is back and bad as ever
The UTM community is relieved to waste their money on the inedible food they always loved.
Normalcy returned in the beginning of November as the beloved Davis’ Tim Hortons branch was seemingly brought back to life. A mass of students stood outside of Tim Hortons at the crack of dawn, eagerly waiting for the grand reopening. The crowd gleefully watched the almost café, almost restaurant get unlocked, the lights flicker on, and gave a standing ovation to the employee who fired up the cash register. As customers lined up, bought, and received their food, they confirmed that the taste was just as bad as it has always been.
“I was so worried that Tim Hortons would leave their roots and offer actual edible food, but I’m relieved that it is the same soul-crushing experience,” said Kyle, a second-year Religion Studies major.
From the iconic cup of coffee that is mixed with sewage water and expired milk, to the moldy bagels, or the grilled cheese sandwiches that are accidentally dropped to the sticky kitchen floor twice before being wrapped and served, the UTM Hospitality and Retail Services executives wanted to provide everyone the same food that we all had a love-hate relationship with.
“I really missed eating this English muffin and destroying my digestive system every morning before class,” said Ethan Lam, a third-year Computer Science major. His eyes became watery as he excitedly took a big bite. “These are not tears of joy. My stomach is in excruciating pain right now.”
The full Tim Hortons experience is not only digesting the repulsive food, but the journey as well. Who doesn’t love standing in the long grueling lines that extend all the way to St. George campus during rush hour? Customers recount how hours, days, sometimes even years passed while they waited in line.
“The real fun of being in long lines is how your day could be ruined by the person standing in front of you,” said Brock, a first-year Communication, Culture, Information, and Technology student.
You can never expect what will unfold in line, it could be conversations of childhood trauma that you can’t unhear, being suffocated from the stench of a computer science major who hasn’t showered in days, or a couple showing passionate affection to each other, reminding you how lonely you are.
The Davis Tim’s also kept up their appearance by featuring unflattering lighting, spilled Ice Caps on the floor and that one old creepy professor who stands around staring at female students.
Tim Hortons aimed to enhance the student’s experience by offering their well-known five-star customer service: old underpaid employees who keep getting orders wrong. “I told the cashier five times straight that I don’t want bacon in my breakfast wrap,” says Liza, a Muslim student at UTM, “and they gave me a whole roast suckling pig. That’s not even remotely close to the thing I ordered!”
As students struggling to pay our tuition, are you as excited as me to waste money on the familiar garbage food places that we took for granted?
Associate Sports Editor (Volume 50) — Bilaal is in his fourth year working towards a double major in Biology and Psychology and a minor in Professional Writing & Communication. When Bilaal isn’t procrastinating doing his assignments, you can catch him singing along to early 2000s RnB, watching Seinfeld, or coming up with absurd satire pitches he can get away with.
You know you can still go to Starbucks eh?!