Right before the grueling midterm season begins, many universities across Canada brace for their homecoming. “Hocos” are unofficial parties held on campus that give students the opportunity to avoid studying and instead tap into their primal urges, like partying and drinking on weeknights.
In fall, every university campus gets trashed by young, drunk, irresponsible partyers—except for the University of Toronto Mississauga (UTM). “At the University of Toronto, we need to be the best,” said the Dean in a recent interview with The Medium. “We need to be leaders in every field. We need to lead Canada in academics, parking fees, and student suicide rates. It’s an institutional failure for our party culture to be so far behind every other university.” The UTM administration plans to flip the university from a strict and antisocial commuter school to the biggest party school in the nation.
The administration has recently assembled a Hoco Committee, consisting of former varsity hockey players in their 30s who can’t stop talking about how cool they were in college. “Yo fam, I swear I was a sweetermans. I was getting bare shordies,” said Tanner, head of the Hoco Committee. “Wallahi mans could’ve gone to the NHL, but I was getting bands from construction styll,” said the 2013 Western University graduate.
The Hoco Committee is aiming to implement a variety of systematic changes around campus that will promote party culture:
1: The coffee machines will now dispense overpriced liquor that hardly gets anyone drunk, so students will be encouraged to take five shots of vodka before their morning lecture.
2: The library will be turned into a 24-hour club where students can dance to awful EDM music that was popular in 2015.
3: The Student Centre will transform into a state-of-the-art frat house. In order to join, students will go through an initial ritual that involves eating disgusting prison food from the Oscar Peterson Hall cafeteria without throwing up.
4: Computer science students will have to take mandatory courses on how to get laid in order to graduate. They will be provided with co-op opportunities where they can work in a club.
5: Campus police will plant bags of cocaine around campus to encourage drug use, and later incarcerate students who use it to show that they can still be on the same level as real police officers.
6: The UTM Eagles mascot will get a change in attire. It will now be fitted in a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey, ripped jeans, and a trucker hat, wandering around the busy halls of the Communication, Culture, & Technology Building trying to sell weed to students.
Even though the fun has increased on campus, the UTM administration is still aiming for students to have a more rigorous academic routine. So, in order to balance out the fun, there will be a higher workload and midterms every week.