E-sports! The new and improved Varsity sport
A new era of online sports has entered UTM to continue its “boundless” agenda.

After charging students membership fees for a gym they couldn’t use, last November, the University of Toronto Mississauga (UTM) athletic department announced that they will no longer participate in varsity sports with the Ontario Colleges Athletics Association (OCAA), a sadistic effort to worsen student wellbeing. The controversial decision brewed outrage within the UTM community. Many students were angry that they could no longer actively avoid attending their university team’s varsity matches. 

The student varsity community expressed their disappointment to the UTM administration for their lack of communication. “It was my life man, I centered my entire personality around playing sports,” says Lucas, a third-year Caucasian basketball player. “The status, the attention, the feeling of sharing a locker room with sweaty shirtless dudes, all of that was taken away from me. I think this is how minorities feel when they get oppressed.” 

In an interview with The Medium, the head of the UTM athletic department talks about their problematic decision. “My heart breaks for every single student, it was the hardest decision I ever made,” he said, as he smoked a cigar and counted a wad of cash. “Unfortunately, we had to sell all sports equipment, from a ping pong ball to a treadmill, all of it, I couldn’t stop crying.”

He reassured students that UTM sports is heading in a “new” direction. “The students shouldn’t fret, we’re working hard to bring the next best thing, eSports! I really don’t know what that means but my nephew is into it. It sounds futuristic and fits with the university’s ‘boundless’ campaign.” 

Rows of gaming stations fill up the Recreation, Athletics and Wellness Centre. The UTM gaming system offers many games such as Call of Duty, Fortnite, Overwatch, anything that has half naked female characters with large boobs to keep the male players engaged. Student tuition is expected to skyrocket to keep up with the university’s electrical bills. 

The UTM eagle mascot, wearing a tank top with mustard stains, shared his views on the matter. “Bullshit, I can’t believe they did this to me,” it said while frantically lighting a cigarette. “I was a loyal servant to this organization for decades. I had the best job in the world, all I did was wave at students and creep up on the ladies, and they took that away from me, for what? I can’t pay my bills and now my family is getting evicted from our nest. I’m losing feathers over here!”

Students line up in front of the gym for eSports team tryouts. The coaches report that the selection process is tedious—only those with the worst human qualities will be chosen to represent UTM in eSports competitions. Some qualities that will be examined include laziness, how long can they sit without going to the washroom, and their ability to insult other players. Having no social life is also an important asset, which increases commitment to the team. 

No other Ontarian university seems to follow UTM’s dystopian steps from physical to online sports. Rumour has it that this stunt is only the beginning of a larger plan that aims to lead all UTM students to abandon their bodies and upload their consciousness to the online metaverse, in order to fully feel the “boundless” experience.

Associate Sports Editor (Volume 50) — Bilaal is in his fourth year working towards a double major in Biology and Psychology and a minor in Professional Writing & Communication. When Bilaal isn’t procrastinating doing his assignments, you can catch him singing along to early 2000s RnB, watching Seinfeld, or coming up with absurd satire pitches he can get away with.


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