What my mother taught me about strength
The woman who has inspired me most does not see herself as extraordinary, but as the product of layered experiences and steady influences that have gently shaped how she thinks and moves through the world.

Trained as an architect, my mother learned to approach problems structurally—to examine multiple possibilities, weigh trade-offs, and accept that most decisions carry both gains and losses. 

This mindset extended beyond her profession, into everyday life. “There are always two sides to a story. When we had to design floor plans, we would always decide amongst many,” she said. For her, this is a practical rule for navigating people, work, and uncertainty.

The building blocks of her identity 

My mother describes herself as having developed parallel identities early on. In private spaces, she became deeply empathetic and attentive to others. In professional settings, she cultivated decisiveness and efficiency. These seemingly contradictory traits coexist in her. “I knew from the beginning what I didn’t want to become,” she said. 

Avoiding self-centeredness and unkindness became my mother’s guiding principle in her actions and choices. This is reinforced by her belief in karma and her mother’s example. When she saw her mother treat everyone in need with generosity, she realized that she wanted the same courage to be unconditionally kind. 

On the other hand, her challenges also led her to where she is. My mother described her high school experience as one of the most difficult periods of her life. Coming from a conservative family background, she was exposed to peers who appeared more confident and articulate in English in high school. 

Feeling out of place, she worked relentlessly to improve her English while managing chronic migraines and eye pain. As my mother strived to overcome her challenges, her confidence was supported by a teacher who encouraged her with praises of her English grammar. A friend’s suggestion for her to pursue architecture also provided direction when she felt uncertain about her future.

Womanhood is rooted in practice rather than theory 

My mother’s understanding of womanhood is rooted in emotional intelligence, adaptability, and the ability to manage multiple responsibilities. She points out that these are strengths often dismissed as ordinary. 

Roles traditionally associated with women, like daughter, partner, and caregiver, are frequently framed as limiting. However, she sees them as components of a broader identity. “Being able to hold everything together is something women are rarely credited for,” she stated. 

Having grown up in a South Asian household, my mother had to navigate significant domesticity expectations. Academic ambition was largely self-driven. Her ability to fulfill her personal expectations while balancing others’ was a result of her hard work and perseverance over the past three decades. Along with patience, this balance required discipline, endurance, and constant recalibration.

She argues that one of the most persistent misconceptions about women of her generation is that marriage diminishes capability. In her experience, managing both professional and domestic spheres demanded a level of organization and stamina that often went unrecognized. 

“People assume women can’t do it all,” my mother said. “Ironically, many [women] have been doing exactly that for decades. A man might or might not be able to do it, but a woman will always achieve that balance.”

Gender inequality nonetheless shaped her trajectory. She shared that during a pivotal stage in her career, she faced pressure to prioritize marriage and motherhood. While her male peers did not share these responsibilities. Many of those peers now hold more advanced positions, and she attributes this disparity partly to unequal caregiving expectations. 

Early in her career, my mother also experienced overt skepticism on construction sites.  She shared that contractors would often question her authority as a woman in a male-dominated field. These contractors demonstrated their gender prejudice with an audacious flair and got away with it, because many believed that men were more capable. 

Outside of formal roles and unbound by relationships, however, my mother identifies as someone simpler: an avid reader, imaginative artist, and curious explorer. When asked who she is beyond responsibilities, she describes a wandering spirit drawn to creativity and to understanding the world through observation. It is a self that exists independently of titles, even if daily life rarely leaves room to inhabit it fully.

Words for young women

Her advice to younger women highlights a pragmatic balance between independence and connection. She insists that financial self-sufficiency is essential, as is the ability to establish boundaries within relationships. 

Simultaneously, she resists narratives that frame love or marriage as inherently restrictive, emphasizing the importance of choice and mutual respect. Above all, she encourages living in the present rather than postponing fulfillment for an uncertain future, when there is no idea about tomorrow.

In difficult moments, she turns to spirituality, interpreting setbacks through the lens of karma and personal responsibility. What she considers her greatest achievement is not publicly visible: building a professional life through her own efforts and raising children according to her values.

As for her advice for her younger self, it’s simple—stop worrying about external judgment. Protect your mental peace. Do what matters to you without waiting for permission.

When I asked my mother what kind of woman she hopes I become, her answer made me laugh. She refused to prescribe a path to me. “I will not advise what you become. Become your own definition of good,” she said. 

Her answer stems from her faith in my upbringing. She expressed that she believes today’s youth do not need guidance on what kind of person they should be. Rather, they only need the freedom to become their best selves that are “untamed by any societal norms or pressure.” 

Quiet strength 

Although my mother would not describe herself as exceptional, her life reveals a quieter form of strength. It is one that’s built through persistence rather than spectacle, adaptation rather than rebellion. 

She taught me that resilience does not always announce itself, that compassion with self-respect, and ambition with personal responsibilities can coexist. What’s more, identity is not inherently formed but constructed over time and cultivated by perseverance.

My mother proves that the most encouraging figures do not always come from fame or having dramatic achievements. Oftentimes, it comes from someone who built their life piece by piece, steadily, thoughtfully, with a foundation designed to endure challenges.