As offer letters are sent out to eager high schoolers, more and more potential students are booking campus tours to judge whether the University of Toronto Mississauga (UTM) is a venue cool enough to house their coming years of underage drinking and sleeping through class. However, in a recent study published by the Center for Student Engagement (CSE), it was revealed that more than 80 per cent of offers sent out are turned down, with nearly 100 per cent of them having the same reason for doing so: everyone on campus is depressed as fuck.
No, like, seriously. Why would you want to attend a campus where every day you see three different people crying in the woods, two of whom mumble about “POSt” during an informative trip?
To combat this, the university is collaborating with the Department of Theatre, Drama and Performance Studies to hire dozens of students and strategically place them throughout the campus to create the illusion of “student happiness.”
“This is an amazing opportunity for the talented folks in theatre to showcase the things they learn!” explained Dr. Gallagher-Ross in an interview.
“It’s the last shot we have,” explained Randy Ali, the special projects coordinator for the CSE, while depressingly slumping over. “The university can’t afford to lose its moneybag—I mean—our undergrads. Yes, that.”
Ever since the incredibly restrictive budget cuts by the Ford administration, universities across Ontario have been racing to increase student population to be able to fund even basic amenities. With some universities going so far as to admit international students without properly verifying if they speak English or support themselves financially in a country that will only allow them to work 20 hours a week.
However, the drama students are also excited about this opportunity. “I’m gonna be a STAAAR,” sang Amanda “KittyKatXOXO” Keys in a falsetto during an interview with The Medium while twirling on one foot. “I’ll show these kids what we’re really about, and they’re gonna be BEGGING to come to UTM.”
A gaggle of theatre kids then proceeded to pop out of nowhere and attempted to perform what seemed to be a rendition of something in High School Musical. We, however, have no idea since the reporter assigned to the case immediately suffered a cringe-induced aneurysm.