Hot take: Joe Biden is kind of sexy
Do you think we’d be cute together?

A few days ago, Joe Biden made his first official trip to Canada as the President of the United States. While watching Biden and Trudeau’s first meeting on my television screen, I found myself to be absolutely enthralled by what I was seeing! What first caught my attention wasn’t Trudeau, nor the conversation about policy or international relations or whatever; it was Biden! More specifically, it was his long, loooong legs clad in smart blue dress pants. Getting a good look at those knobbly knees crossed over one another was enough to set my loins ablaze! 

Safe to say, I spent the entirety of my weekend poring over chapters and chapters of fanfiction, anything I could find! From the filthiest smut to the most beautiful love stories, it didn’t matter—whatever I read just made me adore my Joey-boy even more. 

To those of you who say Josie-poo is too old for me, I hope one day you learn that love between two consenting adults is a beautiful thing, 60-year age gap or not. In fact, I like him even better now that he’s turned 80 years old. He’s like a beautiful wheel of limburger cheese—fragrant, moldy, aged to perfection. Or a three-week old banana, floppy and browning on the outside, but as sweet as can be on the inside. I am convinced that those of you who do not agree that my little Jojo is beautiful beyond belief simply do not have a palate developed enough to enjoy him in all his grandeur.   

There are a few reasons why I think JB and I would be fantastic together. Firstly, I am way cuter than his wife. No question. Jill Biden is obviously a fake blonde and sweetheart, the 80s called and they want their shoulder pads back. Secondly, Joe is 6 feet tall and I am 5’10”, so I think the height difference is sort of cute, teehee. Thirdly, I hear that he makes a lot of money and I’ve always been interested in becoming a sugar baby. 

I would like to conclude with a brief love poem hoping that somewhere, somehow, someday, my love will read it.

Your rump is much plumper than Trump’s, 

You make Obama look like an iguana, 

You’re certainly smarter than Carter, 

And your shaft is much longer than Taft’s. 

I hope that this article has helped all my fellow Bidenators feel a little more confident in professing their love to our favourite wrinkly little sweetheart. Honestly, seeing Biden speak live from Ottawa reminded me exactly why I became a political science student—for the hotties. 

Copy Editor (Volume 49) — River is completing a specialist degree in Political Science with special interests in social justice and law. He is currently working as a copy editor at The Medium. In his spare time, River can usually be found noodling on his guitar, obsessively replaying “Red Dead Redemption 2,” dipping into local thrift stores, and flipping through worn paperback fiction instead of doing his course readings.


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