Growing out of friendships
Grieving a friendship is a tough reality for us all.
Although I’m grateful to never have had any friendships end in conflict or bitter feelings, the loss of a good friend due to drifting apart can sting. Many of my closest friends have never shut the door on me, just simply faded away until we’re nothing but strangers who used to once knew of and hung out with each other.
While it has become a somewhat common occurrence for me, growing out of friendships tends to hurt the most when it’s with friends who you have known since childhood.
My former friend group from elementary school took a blow when the Covid-19 pandemic happened and we were all isolated from each other for a couple years. However, some of my friends had gone back to school in-person earlier and were able to reconnect with each other, as well as make new friends and find romantic partners.
By the time I returned to high school, I could already tell we were completely different people than the kids we used to be, but I tried to still make it work. However, I myself was also very different: a lot shyer and quieter due to the social isolation of the pandemic.
What I may have perceived as me making efforts with them was likely very minimal from their perspective due to my shyness. When many of them moved onto new friend groups and went their separate ways, it seemed no one thought much about where I ended up; it may have looked to them that I never cared about maintaining our friendships to begin with.
Although there were some external factors that caused me to lose touch with these friends—like the Covid-19 pandemic—growing out of friendships often comes down to any sort of personality changes that affect how well people “fit” together.
As our values differ, priorities change and pathways diverge, drifting apart is inevitable. Along with many other things in life, it’s out of our control.
But, accepting that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
As someone who has trouble opening up to people , the stronger connections I forge with others are ones I hold on to for years to come, even after that friendship has come to its natural close. I often find myself imagining that if I had done things differently, we might still be friends today. But I know that while friendships take mutual effort and time to grow and strengthen, forcing yourself to act a certain way is not a healthy way to go about maintaining a friendship.
The fear of losing friends can factor into how some friendships fade as well, because you may be putting extra work into a friendship just to keep it alive. Depending on your love language, this may mean trying to “buy” friendships or using some other incentive to keep a friend in touch, rather than continuing to hang out from a place of mutual respect and enjoyment of being around each other. It all becomes performative and harmful at the end of it.
Sometimes, even these things can’t tie people together, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t powerful. Having trust in a friend to show up and be there when you need them most is more impactful than arranging hang outs everyday to maintain a superficial connection.
Letting go of the fear of losing friends allows you to savour the friendship, regardless of its duration.
However, to truly move on from those friends and the nostalgia of that time of your life, you have to see the bigger picture. No friendship is perfect and each one has its ideals and faults. Once you recognize both the good and the bad in a friendship, you may begin to understand that while it will always be a pivotal moment in your life, it is important for that chapter to close so that another one will open.
And for the friendships that last, do not overwhelm yourself with the possibilities of its loss. Savouring the time you have might just be the way to truly appreciate the people around you.
