Comedy Column: The universal declaration of student rights
A humble proposal for the rights every UTM student deserves.
Listen to the audio version of this article here!*
In 1948, the United Nations set out a multitude of protections for the security and dignity of all persons in their Universal Declaration of Human Rights, and has introduced many more since. Unfortunately, they forgot about the rights of UTM students.
For far too long, we have hoped that our sizable tuition would guarantee us a decent place to sit, a few tasty food options, or at least some assurance that we’ll be able to enrol in our required courses on time. But time and time again, we have been deprived of these essentials.
Thus, after careful consideration, I have taken it upon myself to compile an appropriate list.
Article I: The right to sit down
No student shall be expected to wander aimlessly through the Instructional Centre (IB) in search of an afternoon study spot that has been claimed by someone “saving it for their friend.”
At their chosen seats, students shall not be required to beg any deity for an outlet that actually holds their power adapter in place, nor shall they be asked to venture to the third level of IB and sit on the floor in an empty hallway when they fail to find one.
Article II: The right to survive course enrolment
Every student at UTM retains the right to secure a spot in classes required by their programs. No student shall be expected to run ACORN on five different devices in fear of server crashes, and no student will be required to keep seven other courses on standby in their enrolment carts, in case lecture spots run out.
Furthermore, no student shall be reduced to pleading with strangers on Reddit to give up their spot in a course in case of such an event.
Article III: The right to academic mercy
In accordance with basic human decency, students will be given a grace period, particularly during midterm season, in which they will not be required to shoulder the avalanche of assignments and tests due simultaneously for each of their courses.
Students shall be allowed time to choose happiness and recreation, and will be given the opportunity to forget about formulae and essays long enough to become functioning human beings again.
Article IV: The right to be left alone
Henceforth, UTM shall recognize that students reserve the right to get from one end of campus to the other without getting handed three flyers, a club membership, and the obligation to attend an event they didn’t sign up for.
No student shall feel the need to lie and say they already signed up or voted, nor should they be bombarded with newsletters for a club whose mailing list they simply joined to get a free sticker.
Article V: The right to not know what’s going on
Students shall hereby be guaranteed freedom from perpetual impostor syndrome, and shall not be required to always be “in the know.” No student shall be picked on to answer questions in the middle of lectures, nor shall they be positioned to feel inferior for not knowing the answers.
Should a student know the answers, it shall not be taken as sufficient evidence of their knowledge, and they shall not be expected to reproduce such a performance in the future. Moreover, students shall not be positioned to compare themselves to those who appear to know what they are doing. As evidenced in group assignments, most people do not actually know much of anything.
This concludes the Universal Declaration of Student Rights. These rights may not yet be recognized by the United Nations, but it is my sincere wish that they will consider them before my next tuition payment is due.
Whether UTM chooses to recognize these rights remains to be seen.
*AI-Generated Audio Transcription Disclaimer
The audio transcription included in this article was generated using artificial intelligence (AI) technology with the purpose of improving accessibility for our readers and providing an alternative opportunity to engage with The Medium‘s content. Please note that AI-generated transcriptions may contain errors or inaccuracies in pronunciation, wording, or interpretation.
The original written article remains the authoritative version of the content. If you notice an error in the audio transcription, please contact social@themedium.ca so we can conduct further reviews and corrections.
