To live in perpetual explanation
Existing as a bisexual woman means being subjected to constant questioning, sexualization, and plain misunderstanding.
Even in 2025, being straight is the default. LGBTQ+ people are still scared to grapple with the complexities of their identity, the implications, and how coming out will affect their lives in unforeseen and complicated ways. Having to deal with the fact that you might have feelings for the same gender is already hard enough, but add on top of that the simultaneous attraction to the opposite gender? Well, you’re in for a treat.
Since the beginning of time, women’s sexuality has not been their own, but rather, a man’s possession. This is especially the case for bisexual women. We are constantly fetishized, even more than lesbians, simply because we like both men and women. To men, we are the ultimate fantasy. Since, 2015, ‘Lesbian’ has been the most searched for category on Pornhub. More often than not, being a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man is more about being his trophy than his partner, the object of his warped sexual fascination than a lover. You are a trophy, a challenge, or something to be “fixed”, you don’t actually have non-platonic feelings for women, you are just looking to experiment. Sleeping with a bisexual woman makes certain men feel like they’ve “cheated the system”.
When bisexuality is hypersexualized
Often, we are the target of “unicorn hunting”, which is when bisexual women are approached by heterosexual couples who are “looking for a third” or want to “spice things up in the bedroom.” Some couples are upfront about their intensions, but most use deception and catfishing to lure bi-women. In this dynamic, bisexual woman are seen as a “racy add-on.” Boundaries are rarely clearly established, and our emotional and physical safety is blatantly violated. We are merely a tool to fix or further develop heterosexual relationships, and never enough on our own.
And if you, as a bi woman, are in a relationship with a man, be prepared for the covert, if not constant invalidation of your identity. Men are usually thrilled at the revelation of your bisexuality, because for them, that signals threesomes galore! They make it clear they don’t care if you cheat on them with a woman, because being with a woman isn’t valid enough to constitute “real cheating.” Your bisexuality is hypersexualized, and men forget that being bisexual means that you can love women, not just be sexually attracted to them. This sort of pervasive sexualization of your experiences is a result of women’s sexuality existing solely for the male gaze. Sadly, being subjected to this is one of the reasons why bisexual women are often victims of “compulsory heterosexuality” and internalized biphobia.
For instance, as a teenager, I used to think that although I was bisexual, I could never “truly” be with a woman, chalking it up to an itch I needed to scratch that I would probably get the chance to explore in university. I thought that once university was over, I was to lock this part of me in the depths of my mind and throw away the key. At least 3 years of my life were spent in a constant state of self-doubt: what if this was all a show, to be “cool” or “trendy.” Were the Republican’s right? Fast forward to my first year of university when I had my first kiss with a woman, and my anxiety and self-doubt dissipated. That encounter, coupled with the big fat crush I had on the object of my desires, helped me quietly accept my bisexuality; even when others didn’t.
Bi-erasure in the queer community
Up until now, I have only talked about the role of straight men in bisexual fetishization and erasure. Would it surprise you to know, that we aren’t exactly accepted by the queer community either? Countless queer women have stated they “don’t date bisexuals,” calling it “too much drama”, and the age-old, “what if she leaves me for a man”, or “it is insulting if she dates a man after dating me”. As a result, it is quite difficult for openly bisexual women to date other women, as we’re often made to be the victim of ghosting. And as such, we aren’t considered to be “dating material.” Too straight to be gay, but too gay to be straight. What about your queer friends? If they are monosexual, chances are, they too view your identity as something unserious: an experimental phase. Many will take quick jabs at you, they will refer to bisexuality as being a gateway: if you’re a bi man, you’re basically “too scared to come out of the closet,” and if you’re a bi woman, you’re “just straight, with a desire for experimentation.”
A great example of biphobia within the queer community was shown in the Freeform series, The Bold Type. Kat Edison, one of the main characters, has always thought of herself as straight, until she meets Adena, a lesbian artist, and falls in love with her. At this point, Kat identifies as a lesbian. After they break up, however, Kat finds herself unexpectedly engaging in a fling with a man, which cements her bisexuality. Adena and Kat are still friendly, however, upon finding out that Kat is now “back with a man”, she displays aggression and defensiveness, trying to oust her from spaces for queer women, claiming that it would make everyone uncomfortable, and that such behaviour is discouraged. Similarly, in pride parades for example, if a bi woman happens to be present with her male partner, she is called “straight” and told that pride isn’t for her.
On the other hand, if a bi woman’s current partner is another woman, she is referred to as a lesbian, her bisexuality once again erased. It appears that, regardless of whether we date a man or a woman, our identity will be invalidated, often times by the very communities that are supposed to support and represent us. Our ability to look past gender, and love people for who they are, is not celebrated, but instead twisted into something ugly. We are constantly chastised for not “picking a side,” and thought of as being “greedy, slutty bisexuals.”
People have an inherent desire to be accepted, but as a bi women, when we feel unwanted even in queer circles, it can lead to distress and loneliness, dredging up the feeling of never belonging anywhere we go, forever stuck in limbo.
Forever in limbo
According to The Open University’s Bisexuality Report, predicted rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide are higher among bisexuals, as compared to other sexual minority reports. Stonewall Charity’s research also reports that 27% of bisexual women and 18% of bisexual men have been victims of biphobia from within the queer community. Furthermore, Stonewall claims that a third of bisexual people (32%) don’t share their sexuality with anyone in their family, in contrast with 8% of lesbians and gay men, indicating the culture of hesitancy and concealment that bi-people must crushingly navigate.
Therefore, the fetishization and erasure of bisexual women are not just uncomfortable truths, but insidious forms of invalidation that have tangible psychological and emotional consequences. Existing as a bisexual woman means being subjected to constant questioning, sexualization, and plain misunderstanding; by straight men, by queer communities, and even by oneself through the internalization of our environment. It’s to live in a state of perpetual explanation, to feel invisible unless you’re catering to someone else’s gaze or fulfilling someone else’s fantasy. But bisexuality is not a phase, not a performance, and certainly not a punchline. It is a valid, complex, and deeply personal identity that deserves to be seen and respected in all its glory.
