Google search: “how to make friends at university?”
My experience navigating friendship woes at UTM.
There’s a slight chill in the air, the leaves crunch under your boots, and you’re filled with a strange mix of excitement and trepidation: it’s your first day at university. Quietly, you think to yourself, “Oh, I hope I can make friends soon!”, as you walk into your first class of the day.
“How to make friends at university” can probably be found in everyone’s search history at some point in their student life. University is a daunting experience, and it’s nice to have friends to rely on. Often, however, making real lasting connections is difficult for students. Everyone thinks they will make friends in university. It’s not like they haven’t done it before, right? Wrong.
Being a person who is naturally more extroverted can help, but it’s not everything. You can be the most outgoing and lively person in the room, eager to make friends, but it may turn out that the people you’re surrounded with don’t match your “vibe”. Or, if you do end up making friends, your relationships may turn out to be surface-level. On the other hand, maybe you’re a bit reserved, but you end up clicking with people at a frosh event that you stick with until the end of university.
So, although your personality and openness to new experiences can make it easier to find friends, it’s not always that clear cut. In fact, sometimes, you can feel like you’ve finally found your people only for that to be a perfectly crafted illusion.
There are a lot of factors, but the central and uncontrollable factor is luck. Quite honestly, it’s a game of chance. Which is not the best thing to say to perfectionists like me, who like to be in control of every aspect of my life.
My own personal journey making friends at UTM, like most people’s, has been complicated. When I first arrived at university and moved into residence, my roommates and I talked, made nice, and hung out for a while, but there wasn’t really an “Aha, I’ve found my people!” moment. They were perfectly nice, don’t get me wrong, but we didn’t really have something that united us. I ended up in a makeshift group of people in my residence for the first month, but I felt it was more a friendship of convenience. Additionally, as an international student, it felt like I had left my whole life behind in my home country. I still felt lonely, even though I wasn’t alone.
The unfamiliar environment and lack of connection vexed me. Halfway through the semester, I became friends with a few people in one of my lectures, and we grew close almost immediately. The shroud of loneliness lifted, and it seemed I would be alright. But when the end of the year rolled around, we broke apart without warning. The couple months after that were hard, and campus was often as silent as a graveyard. I went days without speaking to a soul.
It was, however, an oddly freeing learning experience. I spent a lot of time on my own, getting to know myself, growing comfortable in places, and exploring downtown alone. Looking back, I think it was necessary for my character development, and it made me more confident in myself.
In second year, I found a group of genuine friends who I really connected with. Things ended up working quite well for me, and I am going to be roommates with some of them this year.
So, what did I do differently? The most cliché thing ever: I joined a club. There is, however, a caveat to this: don’t join just any club. Join clubs that are more engaging and that force you to interact with others. That was my mistake in first year: the clubs I joined involved mostly sitting around and having awkward conversations, and most club events were academic and career oriented. Those are important too, but if you’re joining clubs because you want to make friends, I advise you to pick something that forces you to work with other people, giving you ample opportunities to get to know each other.
Moreover, it’s not enough to just meet people. If you find people you connect with and you see yourself being friends with them, you have to be intentional about it. If you’re not in the same program and your classes don’t overlap, you need to take the time to see them and nurture that relationship. It doesn’t have to be a grand production. It can be as simple as planning study dates with your friends. That way you get to spend time with them and get your work done. I understand things can get hectic, especially if you’re juggling university, a job, and extracurriculars, but try to plan some form of recreational activity with your friends at least once a week. Maybe go to a café and then go on a walk? Something that allows you to take a break from the monotony of life and feels refreshing. A support system does wonders for your mental health, which can make university seem less intimidating.
All of this is to say: be patient, you’ll find your people. Not finding friends is not the end of the world, although it may feel like it. Get comfortable being alone and doing new scary things by yourself. Prioritize quality over quantity: don’t chase every half-decent person and try to get them to be your best friend. Some people will just be friendly acquaintances, and that’s okay. So don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, but don’t be disheartened if it doesn’t always work out. Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, and try again.
