Dating as a Muslim
How sex and sexuality are misunderstood in religious communities.
As an international student, a staple of going home for the summer involves at least one 2 AM catch-up with my parents as I grapple with jet lag, and my parents grapple with the fact that I’m an adult making big life decisions. This summer, said 2 AM talk involved my decision to start dating. What was meant to be a quick conversation devolved into a discussion of the nuances of dating culture. It kind of sounded like this:
Mom: “But why? You’re not even interested in sex.”
Me: “Where did sex come from? And would you feel better if I called it courting instead?”
Mom: “Are you seriously courting? Because that is completely different.”
Dad: “It really isn’t, it just sounds nicer.”
Me: “You know what I mean though!”
After a long-winded conversation—and one pointed comment about my taste in partners (thanks, Dad)—my parents were supportive about dating…if I did things the “Muslim way.”
The exaggerated taboo that sex, sexuality, and dating have in relation to a religious way of life boils down to a series of misunderstandings. To some in our religious community, dating is associated with the inevitability of sex: short-term intimacy with a lack of long-term commitment. Sex education is considered an encouragement of immodest behaviour.
Sex education tells you about the ins and outs of sex and, for some, dating and sexual experiences go hand in hand outside the context of marriage. But people date for different reasons, whether due to cultural or religious reasons or just personal preference: some may date exclusively for the sake of laying the groundwork for marriage. Sex education should provide everyone with tools for safety, good practices, and ways to build connections so that everyone knows what they want or don’t want and how to approach such experiences safely.
However, some may misconstrue sex education as going against their cultural norms or religious beliefs. Conversely, those who aren’t affiliated with a particular culture or religion are quick to misconceptualize cultural and religious practices. While these two attitudes are not the exact same thing, both are based in a lack of understanding for different perspectives.
Personally, I don’t think anyone should judge the way a person wants to go about building a relationship, whether through dating or arranged marriage, as long as they’re happy, safe, and following their beliefs. In the end, Islam is a religion of modesty and modesty has always been a tool for self-worth and self-improvement, not shame. In a world where we are already judged for every little thing we do, why are we using our religion to make our lives harder when it’s meant to make them easier?
And avoiding talking about sex does make things harder. Listen, we wouldn’t have our factory assigned equipment if we weren’t meant to use it, and—like all equipment—you need to include the instruction manuals. For the most part, daughters hear about the wonders of the female body and the ways they need to care for their monthly cycle. But this isn’t a one-and-done deal. You might not need to talk to your eleven-year-old about birth control, but a sixteen-year-old might benefit from the information. Not just because they might be having sex, but to mediate the symptoms of PMS. You’re not being a bad Muslim if you chose to talk about or are curious about the variety of sexual and romantic experiences. Islam has never immoralized the act itself, only instructed that you don’t carry it out outside of marriage.
And this isn’t only directed to girls: it’s just as applicable to guys. If it takes two to tango, both partners should know the dance. So why is it usually just girls and women who are given the “stay a virgin” talk? Modesty in Islam is directed to everyone, so since when did staying modest only become a woman’s job? Sex education isn’t all condoms and biology, it’s also consent. It’s teaching you that no means no and you’re not entitled to your wife or husband’s body just because you’re married now. Sex education is about establishing that the most important aspect of sex is respect: something everyone needs to know.
Part of exemplifying this respect means setting boundaries. As a Muslim, it’s so important to set boundaries that adhere to your belief. That isn’t so different from the boundaries someone else, Muslim or not, may set. There exists an assumption, as I mentioned earlier, that dating is centered around sex. But sex isn’t always, and shouldn’t be, an expectation. Every time we assume that that’s all dating involves, we perpetuate a harmful stigma. You don’t have to be physically intimate in your relationship. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. And it’s so important that people—Muslim and not—remember that.
Dating is about respect and boundaries, two things that Islam endorses. When it comes down to it, if you know what your boundaries are and you enforce them, dating as a Muslim isn’t all that different from dating as a non-Muslim.
