Being an older sister is a privilege, not a burden.
Reflections on siblinghood.
Mothers and fathers are always put in the spotlight when building a family, a community, or a civilization. Aristotle said mothers have the role of instructing the future citizens of the polis. bell hooks, in Feminism is for Everybody, emphasizes the parental role in constructing a more equitable society. Morals, values, cultural teachings, and the building blocks of one’s character starts with the parents. This is an undeniable fact.
But as an older sister, I always wondered, where do I fit into this?
I was only 6 years old when my dad told me “Act wisely; you are your sister’s role model.” My role model at that time was Hannah Montana, who was much older than 6 years old… so it was very weird to think of myself as a one. However, as I developed my own critical thinking, and as I heard my dad’s voice repeating the same line, I understood that I had a duty as my younger sister’s older sister. Clashing with the political views older generations passed on to us, I felt I had to teach Mica, my younger sister, what was right and wrong. I taught her what is okay to say and what is deemed offensive. I explained the struggles of women and why LGBTQ+ rights are important. As Mica’s older sister, I was in a unique position to share perspectives with her that my parents or grandparents could not.
My high school friend Maia, who is an older sister to her brother Antonino, felt the same way. I remember in one of our conversations, she mentioned she made time to sit down with her brother, who was growing up among “FIFA guy” friends, to make sure he was not adopting ideas and personality traits from a society that undermines women. “He has to know not to talk smack about women and treat them right.” Maia took on the role as Antonio’s guardian of values, with the intention of protecting him from toxic masculinity while also improving society.
In her story “I am not my sister’s mother”, University of Toronto student Rola Fawzy writes on the pressures and responsibilities placed upon her as Haidi’s older sister, and how these conflicted with her inner self. On an Instagram voice note she sent me, she asks herself, “How do I give her the care that she needs without losing myself?” Rola was chosen by Haidi, who is on the spectrum, as her person. She made sure, from a young age, to protect her younger sister, even physically.
As Haidi’s playground bodyguard, Rola fought people who were part of a society that was ignorant about autism, where children on the spectrum were overlooked as “poorly raised”. Rola preferred to be labelled that way before anyone could do that to her sister. Although she fought kids her age, she ultimately wanted to socialize and build her own circle, a thought that seemed impossible. Reflecting later on her experiences, she says, “The resentment never comes from my sister or her challenges, but it comes from me not knowing how to contend with the fact that I am not her mother, I am her sister.”
Sofia is Stefanie’s older sister by 6 years. She, on the other hand, said that she did not put any pressure onto herself, but her parents did. “Even in this age — I am almost 30 — I’m still blamed a lot for things that my sister may think or do because they think it might be because of my influence.” Her case proves that older sisters are given the responsibility of a younger sibling’s upbringing. She says, “I was not the oldest sibling, just the eldest girl.” Sofia says that she is the one to “step up” in her family, but she cannot recognize if that is because she is an older sister. I say it is. This experience is shared by so many of us, as we act as the organizers, administrators, and sometimes moderators of family disagreements. “That has just been something that I do but it feels natural”, she says. As older sisters, we must step up when our parents fail.
Parents are crucial in a child’s development, but I believe society doesn’t acknowledge older sisters enough. We are so much more than just a sibling; we are political actors, advocators, societal builders, and ethical mentors. We are given a big responsibility even as children to learn in advance, protect, and teach. Being an older sister means being a guide and a friend but also taking on accountability for your younger sibling’s actions, while also maintaining and exploring your own identity.
My and my friends’ testimonies prove that the pressures of being an older sister do not change as you grow, but the relationships do. Rola still cares for her sister, but she acknowledges that she must balance that care with putting herself first. Sofia still protects her little sister, but not to try to impress their parents or submit to their expectations: instead, she transforms the blame placed upon her into empowerment.
And for me and my sister, I understood responsibility could be put onto me, but Mica is her own person, as am I. I understood that responsibility for my sister doesn’t have to be a burden. In fact, the responsibility I feel towards her is simply evidence of how much I care, or our bond as sisters. Recently, she visited me in Toronto, and it was my first time overseeing her after many years. On our last night in the city, she and I walked in the freezing cold wind that blew through the city’s concrete jungle. Hearing her talk, I realized I am no longer her guide, third parent, or role model. I am simply her older sister, and she is my best friend.
