Doomerism for Dummies
A doomerist … no, REALIST approach to squandering your life.
Hey, you! I regret to inform you that the end of the world is rapidly approaching. I am here to sell you on the way of my people: the doomerists. According to the online bible Wikipedia, the doomers are “people who are extremely pessimistic or fatalistic about global problems”: A way of living that is, to me, hotter than an Ozempic shake. If it’s a crime to keep it real, then lock me up in solitary confinement! None of it can come close to matching the misery of the prison flesh I live in.
Are you ready to transform your mind into a prison that puts you in a state of constant frenzy but permanent and crippling inaction? Worry not (for now) because I have come up with Doomerism for Dummies, a step-by-step guide to squander years and generations worth of sacrifice and progress!
Step 1: Stay connected—no, stay woke.
Originating from African American culture, word on the street is that to be woke is “to be aware of and actively attentive to important societal facts and issues (especially issues of racial and social justice.)” People associate staying woke with the political left, but I argue that no matter your position in the political spectrum, you need to stay viciously—no, insufferably—woke.
If you are on the right, I want you to latch on to issues like the rise of car thefts in the Greater Toronto Area to remind yourself that Indian immigrants cooked Canada to the point of no return. It would certainly be better to move to the United States, where gun ownership can keep you safe. Never consider that while Statistics Canada reports a 2% increase in crime, this barely compares to increase in crime rates in the previous millennia. Crime peaked in 1992, when we took in about half as many immigrants as we take in today. If someone points out that there is no correlation between immigration and increased crime, simply call them a Trudeau lover and exit the conversation.
If you are on the left, your doomerist morning routine should start with the daily affirmation of “we’re killing the planet!” Turn your empathy and activism for the forests, oceans, and minority issues into self-serving apathy. Most importantly, remember to neglect the voting booth, because we’re all doomed anyway.
Step 2: Rewire your brain to stop trying.
Society has come full circle. A 100 years ago, people starved for days due to the inability to earn, and we can empathize with their struggle because we too must bear the inconvenience of applying for 300 jobs online before getting a few callbacks.
But again, we want to avoid action for as long as humanly possible, so I need you to ditch your hobbies, neglect your job search and quadruple your screen time. The 6ixBuzz comment section is your new home. Forget about that cover letter or the biology textbook on your desk collecting dust because there’s nothing better than fighting strangers on the Internet for funsies.
When you are not doing that, keep up with Andrew Tate and the chads of the manosphere if you are a guy, and any trust fund baby with a “soft life” if you are a girl. Look at all the fun times they can afford and despair: you can barely afford rent now, and you most likely won’t be able to buy a home in the future. The only way you can get on their level is by posturing online (with the assistance of credit card debt) or by committing tax fraud.
Step 3: Reap the fruits of your hard lack of work.
At this point, your transformation is complete. You have all the inner makings of a doomerist. Everything else just unfolds, really.
You will get a job where growth only happens to those who are lucky enough (not you). And should you be unlucky enough for a promotion, you will firmly believe that what you are receiving in a semblance of financial security you will pay for with your health and the best years of your youth.
After a few failed relationships, you will find love, or rather settle for a partner. The issues you ignored in past relationships because you worship passivity will bind you to a marriage of misery or destine you to a painful yet inevitable divorce. You will have kids, though they are an expensive commodity.
The bottom line is, you will live a long life with your loved ones (the people who barely tolerate you) and bond over how the world is doomed while you dodge any accountability for change.
