Too comfortable for community
Discomfort is a small price for community.
It’s really funny how much we avoid something the minute it becomes inconvenient or uncomfortable for us. Some of us call this procrastination, but I find that term rather weak when it comes to avoiding community. From what I’ve seen, people don’t avoid community because they resent people like they would resent a deadline; they avoid it because with social interaction comes unspoken caveats and stipulations that can be overwhelming.
Some of these issues may include being unsure on how to get involved in the community, feeling apprehensive because they have nothing to offer, or not being familiar with anyone around you. What also throws people off is also being unsure whether they will be able to or even want to commit effort or time to getting involved in a community. I struggle with this as a university student and I know others do, too—nothing throws people off tasks than that insidious cloud of indecision when all you yearn for is to simply accomplish something.
And it’s not even because we hate community.
I love my present community and all the communities I’ve had from childhood. As a preschooler and a middle schooler, I was more extroverted and trusting, so I interacted actively with my community almost all the time at school, church, basketball, the playground, and even at the hospital where my parents worked! I suppose it was an instinctive desire to enjoy the people around me and it’s something that has never changed about me, even when I became a more introverted adolescent.
But, the Covid-19 pandemic and moving countries drastically changed the way I interact with people. I had to create new connections in a different geographical location and navigate my behavioural changes, the changes to my friends, and also the changes in my interests. With all the changes in my life, I still am figuring that out, I’ve learned that it does take patience. What I feel takes the most effort is understanding how to balance my time with others and time for myself.
As a third child and the youngest, I was on my own a lot, so I ended up entertaining myself often. As a middle schooler, I played a lot with my dolls in my vibrant world of make-believe with the most entertaining stories that were different every single day. As an adolescent, I found myself becoming captivated by music and songs, so I spent a lot of my free time singing along to my favorite singers in concerts, immersing myself in the experience by swaying back-and-forth with a hairbrush held to my mouth with all the passion 11-year old me could muster. Even today, I unwind by singing and dancing in front of the mirror.
The point is, I had an individual way of entertaining myself that momentarily transported me to another world but it also made me prefer that alone time over being with others. I even started to resent spending time with my family and friends, preferring to indulge myself in my fantasy world where I could have fun without needing anyone and where no one needed me.
Whilst having time to unwind is important, holding onto that mindset made me miss out on the life-changing benefits of community. It took ages for me to understand what emotional support really was, how I could also be a part of it, and benefit from it in my community. I also had to slowly learn how to let people in and let them physically support me like allowing others to give me rides home or getting me food that I liked as a kind gesture. What was also new to me were the health benefits of social connection, like reducing the risk of chronic disease, heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety.
There are many interesting recommendations for getting involved in the community. You can start small by getting to know your neighbour, even if it’s just for safety reasons before becoming good friends. You can join a club for an activity or a hobby that you are interested in and then connect in a place outside of home or work or school, so that you can build a strong connection with others in a more relaxed space. Experts even recommend calling family and friends consistently and getting involved in community volunteering.
Whatever works for you and I will be different, depending on the experiences you have had with your communities throughout life. A common thing that I have seen is that you don’t need an extroverted, overly-charismatic, or consistently fun personality to attract people around you. What strengthens your connection with other people is consistently checking on them and showing them love: being a community member. Consistency is what builds community everywhere and for everyone.
