Having read the latest issue of The Medium (the editorial in particular), I couldn’t help but be inspired. As a handsome young male of 21, I, too, worry that I may be taken advantage of during my walk of 100 metres from a crowded, well-lit classroom to a crowded, well-lit bus platform. Despite many assurances to the contrary, I view any type of eye contact as unwarranted sexual harassment and feel that this type of ocular movement ought to be banned on campus. I think that it would be prudent and useful if, in addition to receiving a U-PASS from our union, we were also issued a pair of blinders to attach to our foreheads (similar to the device which racehorses often sport in order to ensure that they keep their minds on the race and not on the tantalizing sight of several other sweaty, naked horses) so that we can only see forwards and not ogle others.
Although a brilliant idea (I do attend UTM, after all), there must be a contingency in case a student with blinders is ever attacked by a fellow blinder-wearing student. I would suggest that someone being attacked keep their blinders on, since not only are they fashionable and trendy, but they would also likely cause the victim’s visual field to be so limited that a good deal of thrashing and noisy collisions would occur. Thus, the person being attacked would save precious oxygen by not screaming “HELP!” or “CALL 911!” and instead be able to divert his/her energy to wild flailing (which, coincidentally, is a great form of cardiovascular exercise).
Additionally, I would like to address the valid and not at all uninteresting observation that it is getting darker earlier and becoming light later. According to the Weather Network, the sun rose this morning at 7:56 a.m. and will set at shortly after 6 p.m., which is certainly different from how I remember the sky in the summer. It is so far unclear what is causing this meteorological catastrophe, but what is certain is that, soon, the world will be perpetually dark (since there seems to be no end to this). Since all crime occurs at night (and not at all due to any fear I might have of dark conditions, closets, or basements), I propose that UTM shorten its hours by two minutes every day and only remain open when it is not dark out. As mentioned, this intervention will cease to be effective once the Earth is plunged into permanent night (which, according to my actuarial predictions, will be sometime in mid-August, 2011). Once this occurs, I think that the student union should provide their constituents with large, dense hardhats.
These hardhats would include 800-watt lamps built into the top-frontal section, capable of illuminating deer, attackers, and available taxis at a range of several hundred meters. Given the large amount of construction already taking place on campus, a trial run is immediately warranted. Any volunteers?